The Lay Press

Is laying the press good?

            Okay, so now we are still in 2011 and I’ve written 2011 posts for my blog.  The problem is, most are in the circular filing cabinet.  I mean how many more editorials can the lay press throw out to the public at large before they understand?  We are overweight, we smoke too much, we fart in public, not enough exercise, and we have very poor manners?  Oh, yes, we don’t pay attention.   I write an article which I think should be front page material, hey wait a second, does the internet press have a front page?  And I look up and see how swine flu survivors develop super flu antibodies. 

So one more article is filed and I move on in search of the next potential blockbuster, story that is, not pharmaceutical.  Let’s see, the autism study was defective, so now not only does the definition of the word contain a defective adjective (or is that the adjective defective) but the study linking autism to vaccines is defective too.  Well we will have to wait for the study to study the study come out before passing judgment on that. 

Next up, it has been found that people who spend at least four hours per day watching TV, playing video games, or using a computer for fun were more than twice as likely as those who kept their recreational "screen time" under two hours to experience a heart attack, stroke, or other serious cardiovascular problem. Couch potatoes were also about 50 percent more likely to die of any cause during the four-year study.  Sorry, I have to take a break now and go out and walk the dog…

I’m back, and I tell you what… When it is -5ºC outside, with a brisk wind blowing, and the ground is covered in snow and ice…, the dog loves it.  We didn’t pass a single neighbor today.  Funny, I wonder if they have all left for Florida? 

The dog knew where she wanted to go and she set the pace.  Kind of like the wife in a mall, only stops to sniff something she likes.  We reached the fields where she knows I’ll let her off the lease, about a mile or two out and with her running free I no longer had to keep up.  Oh, I probably could if I wanted to, but I let her do some sniffing and eating on her own and I found my way into a copse of trees where the wind wasn’t quite so biting.

In this sanctuary I took out my phone and began tagging all my contacts to see if there was a story in the making I could get my hands on.  No one seemed to be home.  Most, it seems, were stuck on the beach, or playing golf, in Florida.  I did get through to my agent and after going over a chapter I had recently sent over she told me, in no uncertain terms, that I needed help with my grammar and punctuation.  Her exact words were, more or less, like this:

“How many f’in times do I have to tell you to get this S. H. I., if I have to spell the rest it only solidifies my position, to an editor… First.”

“Anything else?” I had to ask as I wondered how solid her spelt position was.

“Yes, where the H. E. double L is all this body hair coming from, are you shedding as you write?

“What color is it?” Once again, I had to ask.

 She didn’t answer that but did pass along a phone number for me to call, “I cannot pass this K. R. A. P.  on to a publisher.”

What the H. E. double L. can I say, she’s Germanic and from where she comes from Krupp. Krup, Crup and crap are basically the same.

Speaking of Krap, the dog had pretty much finished what could only, out in the wild, be termed a smorgasbord.  She was very happy, and moving a bit slower so we trudged on home with the wind, thankfully, pushing us from behind.  I did rub her back with my gloved hand to try to get an idea of the source of literary hair, and then when I got a good count I brushed hers off and ran the same glove up and over my scalp.  Hard to say who the winner was on that one.

When we got close to home the dog was in no hurry to go inside and again the neighborhood was quiet.  So when she sat down for a few minutes enjoying the feeling of fresh snow on her skin in the neighbors yard I thought back to my experience in the sauna in Kuopio Finland…

A few days later I took the plunge and with great verisimilitude I gave a call to Mr. Language.  An interesting conversation ensued and I found that if I bought the entire set of disks which contained enough information to make the Encyclopedia Britannica blush, for a mere $19.95 down and $19.95 a month for 19.95 months the whole series would be mine.  And, at no extra charge, I would learn to grasp the subtle difference between the words your and you’re.  Top scientists in the field (here we go, a story the Lay Press can sink their proverbial teeth into) are often confused by these two words, which are technically known as bivalves.  You’re being the contraction, used during childbirth and whale watching; "you're baby looks like...".  'Your' though is different, 'your' is, grammatically, a prosthetic infarction.  This word is often used to help describe someone, from afar, as in:  Your a looser.  

Of course I have to thank Dave Barry for that last bit on grammar, punctuation, and body hair.

Happy New Year.

“Don’t worry,” says Jim Gaffigan, “there is a bunny.”

Saverio Monachino's writing style has been termed by some as 'Kurt Vonnegut meets Mark Twain'.  Saverio describes it as 'comic fiction noir'. Regardless of the terms used, he is attempting is to use humor to open the door to serious discussion.  You can find Saverio Monachino on www.comicfictionnoir.com.