Is Time Fleeting?

Has Madness Taken Its Toll?

Basically both questions can have multiple answers depending upon one’s point of view or accompanying cast of characters.  For example, time may be fleeting, or downright interminable, either of which depends upon who you are sitting next to.  Of course the ability to ‘bend’ time or at least our thoughts on time itself (along with reality) have been studied a great deal (see Inception), or even conceptualized in physical reality with the concept of traveling very, very fast.  Of course Uncle Rico was one of the first to take this concept one step further as he invested in the ‘time machine’ that came with a warranty and everything else needed to send him back in time.  Just one thing was missing and that was the correct crystals needed to transform the sine/cosine waves into the third dimension allowing for the transfer of light through mass at the speed of, well at the speed of light and this of course (every MIT grad knows) will place you in the fourth dimension allowing for migration to the place and time of your choosing. 

Well the bottom line was, it didn’t work.  He had the wrong crystals, but it didn’t stop Uncle Rico from trying again.  And while we think the time travel device only caused pain in the groin for him, and Napoleon, somehow he did transmigrate from Preston Idaho to an island LOST somewhere in the Pacific and once there he joined the Initiative (Dharma) all with the hope of getting back to 1977 and the big game.

Personally I do not have access to the crystals but I do have access to a very nice outfit that allows for drifting between the genders and this type of migration has hit the proverbial time machine right smack in the head.  Let me explain.  A long time ago, for me that is, but for a redwood tree in Muir woods it was just a blink of the eye, I was taken to see a movie, at midnight.  This movie was a tutorial of sorts based on an experimental approach toward stepping outside the box we sometimes refer to as the ‘human condition’.  All of this information allowed individuals, upon careful study, to expand their awareness of the horizons and…, time, using a type of warp drive.  More to the point it espoused the ability to migrate between physical appearances.  It also described the problems faced by those loaded with inventive ambitions, striving for new inventions so to speak, to get waylaid by interference from the established norms. 

Anyway, I went to the seminar/movie and like most good presentations it allowed for questions/answers/comments from the audience.  It also provided a basic floor plan for those dreaming of moving in this direction.  It is, after all, Just a Jump to the Left, and a step to the right, then you put your hands on your hips and…  I am not sure if it is best for me to describe the entire seminar here, but needless to say, I learned.  I also learned how to don the perfect outfit for migration, the same outfit worn by the Doctor giving the demonstration and then I told my parents what I was up to.  Instead of being supportive when they saw my first attempts to move to Transylvania as I spouted the code words:  Don’t get strung out by the way I look, don’t judge a book by its…  My father ran to the bar.  My mother smiled politely and then began closing the curtains.  Not everyone was up for learning how to warp with time or visit far off exotic locals like Transsexual Transylvania.  But there I was, ready to go.  The only being my father had taken the keys when he left for the bar and the ambulance that drove his stupefied, alcohol soaked body home then drove me to the ‘clinic’. 

My parents let me come home when I promised to return the special Transylvania attire back to the scientific display and specialty paraphernalia store in which I bought it and; I had to promise to never again wear stilettos.   So for years I had to hide, in the closet, never daring to peak out while in the Hot-Patottie like trance I would fall into darkness, Drinking those moments when….  Instead I had to pretend to be happy as I studied science according the three dimensional curriculum of the day. 

Then I got married.  The reception was held in the backyard of my fiancée’s parent’s house, and the music was DJ’d by an old friend named Mr. R. Raff, someone who had obviously done a little seminar/movie teaching way back when.  And just like that the TIME WARP was once again ringing in my ears.  Luckily I had managed to wear my Transylvanian outfit underneath that drab but classic wedding attire.  Of course this was going to be for later in the evening, after all, like the trained scientist I had become, I planned to embellish that special wedding evening with some ‘outside the box’ exposure.  Now, as the music played, I could control myself no longer and as I danced down to my transsexual undergarments…, the police came and closed the place down.  Apparently the neighbors were listening in, and watching with voyeuristic intension.

Years later the kids came, and grew up, and then the internet came, and grewup, and then information loads became information overloads and everything was moving into new, uncharted territories and so once again I got out my old outfit just to see if it would ‘fit in’, in the modern age.  And..., I came out of the closet again (first time since my wedding night) with my well worn symbolic gesture to the ideals of multi, multi-cultural sweet transgressions and what happens?  My teenage son runs away and my wife smiles as she closes the curtains.  Talk about being in the Time Warp.   Now, I did Skype my daughter who is away at college and very much into all the new music being thrown around and I asked for her opinion, but after I stood up and showed her the outfit the internet connection somehow gave out.

Luckily the dog still talked to me and she showed her appreciation for my efforts by retrieving the outfit when I tossed it aside and then proceeded to chew it up.  When she was finished she burped and went out of the room, wagging her tail.

Saverio Monachino's writing style has been termed by some as 'Kurt Vonnegut meets Mark Twain'.  Saverio describes it as 'comic fiction noir'. Regardless of the terms used, he is attempting is to use humor to open the door to serious discussion.  You can find Saverio Monachino on www.comicfictionnoir.com.

Back on the Meds

Doctor’s Orders

Yes, it’s true.  I’m back on the medications, and I’ve been spending a little time in anger management classes as well.  In fact once you’re in the institution, the management training comes at no extra charge.

But I got out, on one condition, well actually several conditions and the new Lindsay Lohan autographed electric anklet is one of them.  The other ‘conditions’ cover a few small problem areas I have like posting angry diatribes on the web, or sinking into remorse as I contemplate philosophical issues relating to spending money.  Not that these things are illegal, they just aren’t healthy for a person with my, delicate, condition.  So now I’ve sworn off ridiculing the overpriced field of higher education as it seems to have fallen into the televangelist realm of realism and….ohhhh!  That hurt.  The orderly with the electric switch has now sent the anklet into kill mode. 

I may have forgotten to mention, one of the conditions of release includes a stay at home orderly with a very big remote control switch that he uses to keep my electric current flowing when needed, or when not needed, his opinion.  So, I will no longer write about college education or the problem we have as a lemming society who buys what we are told to buy and…, ohhhh!!!!  It was the orderly again.  And the insurance company doesn’t cover this expense, can you believe it.  OHHHH!!!  Wow, I guess he enjoys his work, he’s smiling.

Okay, let me start over.  Today I will write about traveling, might as well, the orderly and I are now going to take the dog for a walk.  I like this, I have the dog on a leash, she has the leash in her mouth and so drags me where she wants to go, and the orderly follows behind with switch in hand, making sure, metaphorically, I go where he wants too.  Now I don’t know if the smile he is wearing means he is happy with my progress or he is about to… OHHHH!

I am a good, good boy.  I will not write about people with more money, power or influence than I have.  Lesson learned.  Now I will write about walking the dog in the neighborhood and communing with nature, even if the people driving by have thrown trash out their.. .  Ohhh that smarts.  And I like looking at all of the new cars as they drive by, and I wave and wish that I too could buy a new car, if I pass rehabilitation 101 (the orderly). 

The dog likes having company on our stroll and she has learned how to get the orderly to pull the switch whenever she is ready for another biscuit.  It was kind of like Pavlov in reverse.   She wants, he sends the electric current, I pull a dog biscuit out of my pocket.  It only took about three tries before I realized that I was not supposed to actually eat the biscuit, just pass it along to the dog.  The only problem with the entire training session was simple, we ran out of dog cookies very fast so I got to experience the current many times before the others would believe me.  Then I had to run home as fast as I could and get some more, and it basically became a repeatable process.  I ran home and collected some goodies, I ran back to the team and upon command distributed the catch (to both dog and orderly), then I ran home and found more items to bring to the feast.  When my wife got home, and the orderly passed the electric dispensing baton to her, well, then the current did flow when she found nothing left for dinner in the house.

Saverio Monachino's writing style has been termed by some as 'Kurt Vonnegut meets Mark Twain'.  Saverio describes it as 'comic fiction noir'. Regardless of the terms used, he is attempting is to use humor to open the door to serious discussion.  You can find Saverio Monachino on www.comicfictionnoir.com.

Addicted to Materialism

Is there a Difference between Objectivism and Materialism

Every morning I ponder some the ramifications of actions based upon the Objectivism of the day.  For example, man as a rational creature has reason to guide him as an individual and thus his means of survival.  This of course is the third principle of the philosophy of Ayn Rand.  But if man is rational, and reason depends upon an individual’s choice well…, there lies the rub as it leads into principle four, ethics.  And of course this brings one to the conundrum of Man being an end to himself and not a means to the end of others.

So why is it when I go to the store I find particular items no longer in stock, or with a particular label, always priced much more than the unlabeled item next to it?  As individual as the Rand philosophy is, it cannot hide from the fact that we, as a species are part of the whole.  So if Objectivism tells us that …, rather than depict the situation as one of man living for his own sake, not sacrificing himself to others…, with the achievement of his own happiness as the highest moral purpose of his life, we need to think of…, the lemmings. 

While materialism can make one happy in a short term physical embrace might arouse passion, does it also bring individuality into play?  The laws of philosophy must, at some point, bring the laws of nature into play.  We are always under the pressure of evolution.  To stay stagnant brings the species as a whole, not the individual of the day, to a standstill.  And once there, extinction is the next step.  And to help bring us to a standstill is to embrace individual happiness, and to be an end solely to oneself.  On a larger scale, groups tend to band together not knowing that it is the mixing of the gene pool which leads to selection of the positive traits needed in the evolutionary process. 

Diversity is important, as is individuality, yet when I go to a store it is easy to see how materialistic intents tend to group the species, and as the lemmings, push the group toward the cliff.  This concept is evident when moving off the tack of materialism and onto social partitioning as well, just ask all of those of ‘Noble’ bearing in Europe, who also bear the trait of hemophilia.  If Man is so individualistic why does he suffer from the inability to make a rational decision?  And this brings one to the question of Materialism.

We all must hold our breath and await the outcome of the changes in Tunisia and Egypt and all the possibilities underway in so many other non representative organizations, yet what do we see headlined in the news?  “The Price of GAS will….”

How can Man be individualistic if we, as a species, are constantly led to the trough on a leash? 

Perhaps Objectivism needs to be modified so that the different hierarchies of the species are each outlaid with a set of rules which better fit the reality of the situation.  For example, the external world exists, independent of man’s consciousness, independent of any observer’s knowledge, beliefs, feelings, desires or fears AND if you have a lot of money you can exist however you want within it.

There is definitely a big gap between the poor and the rich, but there is also a big gap between those that can think independently and those that need the group to show the way.  It is this rather large part of the species as a whole on which the small, wealthy part maintains in dominance.

If Objectivism preaches that man is living for his own sake, then who will help those in need?

Even though Saverio Monachino's writing style has been termed by some as 'Kurt Vonnegut meets Mark Twain' and Saverio describes it as 'comic fiction noir' there is no comic touch to this particular blog. But he is attempting is to open the door to serious discussion.  You can find Saverio Monachino on www.comicfictionnoir.com.

Educators came out of the closet and declared themselves…, Capitalists.

What exactly does ‘not-for-profit’ mean?

Another month goes by and alas, another check is sent to the University. 

“So what,” my neighbor who has no children says, “You have money in the bank.”

“Yes, that is true,"  I respond as my dog rolls in the snow at our fee, “I was saving it for retirement, and the vet bills.  The dog had her checkup last week and..., well it did set me back a ways.”

“Okay, I see your point but you have social security too you know”. 

“Well yes..., I do have that.”

“So, you see, you’re all set.”

And therein lies the rub.  “All set for what?

“For retirement.”

I do a quick calculation.  “Let’s see, I live in New Jersey and each month I have to pay a lot of property tax, plus I’ll never have paid off the house by the time I’m sixty five, so basically the rent will be due.  And then there is that bit with medical expenses.  How much do you think we will pay each month for that when we retire?”

“Oh, hell aren’t you on a company plan.”

“Well I might be…, if I worked,” the dog listened to this last remark and tilted her head to one side.

“Oh yeah that’s right you don’t.   So how are your medical expenses these days?”  I suppose he wanted to change the subject, and I went along with it.

“Well, not as bad as when I first got out of the hospital.”

“Good, means you’re getting better.”

"The accident was three years ago, the medical expenses are not so bad now because, well because I’m not in the hospital, and I weaned myself off the medications and stopped physical therapy."

“Off medication, and stopped therapy?"  The dog and the neighbor both looked at me with a similar, quizzical expression.
“Cannot afford either of them.”

“Don’t you have insurance?”

“My wife does, in a sense..., I think, but every time I go to the doctor, or the physical therapist I have to pay out of my pocket, and the medicine was over 300 dollars a month.  Haven’t worked in three years, I cannot afford that one.  And the insurance company, well they might chip in but I think I have to use up all of my life savings before they do.  Is this something new with the insurance coverage these days?   They wont pay any money until my life savings are gone."

“Oh, kind of like the University ′eh…,” I’m not sure if it was the dog or my neighbor who asked that as they were both now down on all fours rolling around in the snow.

And while they rolled we were back, back at square one. 

Doesn’t the government have a program or something to help pay for college?

Oh, yes they do, unfortunately for us my wife makes a smidgen more than minimum wage, so we don’t qualify.  And since the accident, and my not getting back to work, well, we subsist on her earnings, and spend our savings to make rent.  We do live in NJ and rent here is very, very bad.  And..., we are not connected to any well know, powerful figure like a Hillary or a Barack.

“If the University costs so much why don’t you ask them for help?”  Is a question everyone throws at me.

I did, in fact I begged them for help, basically down on my knees.

And

And they told me to fill out the paperwork

And

When they saw that I had saved some money they smiled…, and held out their hand.

"And so, why don’t you take your daughter out of school?" 
This is the really big question and it is also where they have you by the cajones.  They know you will send your children to college (or University, or Graduate School) and it becomes like going to the doctor.  You will pay, even if they overcharge because there is nothing else you can do.  There is no government regulation putting a limit on it, and there is no clever industrialist minded group of intellectuals who will open a qualified school, and ask for less money than they can swindle out of a family.  It takes a strong, strong politician to try to argue against these absurd pricing structures, but the only people with enough backbone to fight this encroachment into our financial liberties are all those capitalists..., who work in the University.

Oh yes, the system, via the federal government, has some money for very, very poor people.  But for those who are on the edge, who have no work, but who have at one point in their lives swore off credit card double dipping and saved some money but are now out of work, for those people there is no answer.  Oh yes, there is, I forgot, one can get a job flipping burgers at dairy queen, except I would have to stand in line behind the teenagers for a job interview, and TBI survivors have to stand at the end of the line. 

So, let us look at those Capitalists embedded in the ‘not-for-profit’ university.  How much money does each school have in its war chest, also known as the endowment fund?  Boy that money could be invested in low risk, municipal bonds, couldn't it? And that muni investment would help create jobs and work in the good ol’ USA.  But all I read is that the money is overseas, looking to capitalize, like capitalists do, on low wage employees building whatever the fashionista of the day wants, for pennies.  If they did invest locally, in tax free municpal bonds, then that tax free interest income could be used to…, pay the tuition costs of its students.  Many colleges have over 1 Billion in these endowments.  At a tax free five percent return they would bring in over 50,000,000 dollars.  This is enough money to cover the total overpriced tuition, room and board for over 10,000 students.  Not bad.

Then there is the salary thing.  For a person out of work, taking all of his accumulated money, the money NOT spent over the years on a moment by moment impulse, to pay for his children’s college education so that said children will not have a payment the size of a home mortgage when they leave those hallowed grounds, what does this out of work person think of the salary structure at these ‘public, not-for-profit’ organizations?  Before answering that..., let’s take a look at the issue.

At a public university in one of the smallest states in the union the president of the school makes over 800,000 dollars.  Not bad, if you are a capitalist wealth-at-all-costs monger working in a for-profit organization geared to make money at the expense of the common man.  Hey…, wait a minute.  This sounds just like…, and this is why there is no difference between for-profits and not-for- profits.  The item du jour, whether it be handbags or diplomas, have no guarantees.  Oh sorry, the handbags do have a money back guarantee, the diplomas don’t.

Simple solution number one, which is coming from a conservative, value conscious proletariat who is a meddling in the middle-of-the-road sort of opinionated, poor louse: Cut the damn salary in half.  Even if you just take the president’s salary of the afore mentioned university and cut it in half, say down to a meager 400,000 dollars a year without reducing all the damn benefits that go with it, like his children’s tuition for free (another 200,000 or so per child) and without stealing support from the federal government, one could reduce the service-charge (read: yearly college costs) by 25% for over 40 students.  Wow! And what if you managed to get a few of those VP salaries cut down a bit too, hell you might be able to reduce college tuition dramatically for quite a few people, non?

            The comedian Jim Gaffigan says, “Don’t worry, there is a bunny.”  But in this case, there isn’t a bunny.  There are only greedy people, tied to a greedy organization called colleges who, like those in the medical field, will bring about the slow death of any semblance of a middle class in the USA.

Saverio Monachino's writing style has been termed by some as 'Kurt Vonnegut meets Mark Twain'.  Saverio describes it as 'comic fiction noir'. Regardless of the terms used, he is attempting is to use humor to open the door to serious discussion.  You can find Saverio Monachino on www.comicfictionnoir.com.

A little plagiarism in the night

When the mentally aggravated tell bedtime stories

More snow.  This is almost as much fun as living in Montreal.  BUT, and here is the big butt;  When I lived in Montreal the family could afford a snow removal service.  Now I live in New Jersey, a state more socialist than Canada in general and Quebec in particular.  In other words we pay more taxes here than there and so I cannot afford life’s little pleasures, like snow removal or cable TV, and with the amount paid in taxes we get no services.  So it is off to shovel the white powdery stuff once again.  And then there is that dog walking thing too.  The colder the better, which is her take on the situation, and the more snow, well that is like heaven, again, that is her take.

So, instead of writing a convoluted blog using my incompetent take on the daily news I shall leave you with a section from one of my earlier books.  This chapter, called ‘A Little Plagiarism n the Night’,  contains a bedtime story that a rather stressed, anxiety ridden father is providing to his three children, hoping that it will help them get to sleep.  Lord knows, in his condition, he isn’t going to embrace that realm of consciousness for a long, long time.

A little plagiarism in the night.

Emma stood quietly in front of her father, softly probing his face with her large, round, beautiful brown eyes.  He sat on the edge of the bed slightly hunched over, almost at eye level with her.  He was in no hurry to move on.  He had his three children all to himself, right where he wanted them.  His wife was out for the evening and they were all worn out from a very busy day.  His oldest stood in front of him, trying to maintain eye contact while keeping her disheveled hair off her face.  Paul, the middle child, was sprawled on top of the bed, drawing animal images in the air with his forefinger and Sarah, the youngest, was hiding somewhere nearby.

“Dad?”

“Yes sweetie-pie wonder girl, and love of my life?”

Emma rolled her eyes upward in response to the string of superlatives as she made the first request of the evening, “tonight, no gross stuff, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, I promise.”  How could he say otherwise to his daughter when she asked so sweetly, or at least while she stood so close?

Having obtained the general ground rules she desired, Emma switched to specifics.  “And tonight you have to add some magic characters and make it funny and no mushy, big-time, gross-out stuff like worms coming out of anyone’s mouth, and…, and lots of animals.”  After dictating those terms, she thought for a moment.  “And make it your own story tonight.”

“You mean no plagiarizing?” 

“Right no plager... whatever you…”

Before Emma could finish the sentence, her brother chimed in.  “Can you put a dragon in the story tonight?  Not a mean dragon, just a nice one who flies all over the world helping children?”

“Yes, of course I can my love.”

“But dad, dragons are animals and magical,” Emma interrupted, turning to her brother.  “And Paul, you should know that!”  To her father, she continued, “and since I already asked for animals and magic characters, that covers dragons, right?”

From deep under the comforter another voice was heard.  “And a princess.  Don’t forget a princess.”  The request came with a series of under-the-cover kicks to her father’s rear.

            “Yes, of course special angel girlfriend,” her father lovingly replied.  He scrunched up his face into what he hoped would be a stern visage before continuing.  “Now, any more instructions or can I begin?  Don’t forget we have to save some of the story for me to tell.”  At that the children stopped chattering, and waited for their father to begin.

            Francesco sat quietly for a few moments, to assimilate the various requests before he dove in.

            “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away…”

            “Dad!”  Emma interrupted with a disapproving voice.

            “What?” Came her father’s innocent reply.

            “Original, remember?”

            “What are you getting at, girlfriend?”

            “Dad, you know that’s ‘Star Wars’.”

            “No it isn’t.  It just sounds that way…, honest.”

            Emma eyed her father suspiciously, having been here before, and glanced at her brother and sister in silent consultation.  After getting go-ahead nods, she prompted him to continue.

            “So, where was I?  Oh, yes, a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away, on a planet that looked, smelled and tasted a lot like our earth, there was an old English manor in the country at least two hours away from the town of London, on a small rise overlooking a beautiful lake.  What do you think one would find in a house such as that?”

            “A Dragon?” Paul asked.

            “Well maybe, buddy boy, but only if the house was made of stone.  I think this house is made of stone and wood.”

            “A princess?”  A squeaky voice from under the covers suggested.

            “No I’m afraid not, angel child.  If I had said a castle, then yes, there would definitely be a princess.  But this is only a manor house.  Emma, do you have a guess?”

            Emma looked at her father, rolled her eyes heavenward again and replied, “Duh, maybe a wardrobe?”

            “Yes indeed, a wardrobe!  Was that a lucky guess on your part or have you heard this one before?”  Without waiting for his daughter to answer, he continued, “An old manor house, on the hill with plenty of lawn, a wardrobe and a limousine turning into its driveway.  And do you know who’s in that car?  There’s a driver and four children, Peter, Edmund, Lucy and Princess Leah.”

“Daaaad!”  Emma again.

“What now, honey?  That’s not Star Wars.  I spelled her name different.  In Star Wars its Princess Leia, L. E. I. A.  In my story the princess spells her name L.E.A.H.  Isn’t that different?”

“Dad, I’m not talking about Star Wars.  Your story is sounding a lot like ‘The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe’ with Edmund, Peter and Lucy.”

“But there’s no Princess Leah in that story is there?”

“When do we get to the dragon part?”  Paul yawned deeply.

“Soon, I promise.”

“And can you change the name of the princess to mine?” Francesco’s youngest asked.

“Hmm, perhaps,” Francesco stroked his chin. “Yes, Princess Sarah has a nice ring to it.”  He returned to his mock-stern voice.  “Now, that’s enough interruptions, I can’t think with ya’ll badgering me.  You two get under the covers with your heads on the pillow where I can keep an eye on you.  And Emma, you sit on the end of the bed and listen quietly.”

“Now, the train pulled into the station and came to a complete stop.  Out stepped the four children, Edmund, Peter, Lucy and Sarah.”

Emma looked at Paul behind her father’s back, shrugged her shoulders, but said nothing.  Paul raised his hand, but his father took no notice.  Sarah wiggled from under the blankets and rested her head on a pillow.

“On the platform, a rather large man wearing an extra large, heavily insulated, all-weather overcoat, which hung to his shins, greeted them politely, then ushered them along a narrow path through trees and tall shrubs until they emerged at the shores of a small lake.  They walked onto a floating dock where two small boats were awaiting them.  The large man helped them aboard and before they could thank him, he was gone, leaving behind only a large wet footprint and eerie silence.

“The boats glided across the smooth lake and the children sat upright daring not to breathe or break the silence until they pulled alongside a dock under a tall cliff.  ‘I guess this is where we get off,’ Edmund offered.  They disembarked.

“They saw a handwritten sign pointing to a set of stairs, and path leading upward.  Looking back across the water, the children were unnerved to see a dark fog obscuring the far shore. 

“‘It looks like the fog’s coming this way,’ Lucy blurted out what they were all thinking.  ‘We better get out of here.’

“But, there was only one way to go and when they reached the top of the stairs they were out of breath and frightened.  The thick mist behind them had swallowed their boats and began to follow them up the stairs.  It was just then that they realized that a car was supposed to have met them at the station.”

“ ‘Wasn’t there supposed…’  The question hung in the air, Then Lucy added, ‘Something’s missing.’

“ ‘What, Lucy?  What’s missing?’  asked Sarah.

“ ‘I’m not sure, but I feel that something isn’t right here,’ she answered.

“ ‘Luce, I’m with you on this one, something’s definitely wrong.’  Peter intoned as he slowly turned in all directions.  ‘I think I know what it is!’ He nearly shouted, ‘our luggage!  We do not have our luggage!’

            … let me know if you want to hear the ‘rest of the story’.

“Don’t worry,” says Jim Gaffigan, “there is a bunny.”

Saverio Monachino's writing style has been termed by some as 'Kurt Vonnegut meets Mark Twain'.  Saverio describes it as 'comic fiction noir'. Regardless of the terms used, he is attempting is to use humor to open the door to serious discussion.  You can find Saverio Monachino on www.comicfictionnoir.com.

The Lay Press

Is laying the press good?

            Okay, so now we are still in 2011 and I’ve written 2011 posts for my blog.  The problem is, most are in the circular filing cabinet.  I mean how many more editorials can the lay press throw out to the public at large before they understand?  We are overweight, we smoke too much, we fart in public, not enough exercise, and we have very poor manners?  Oh, yes, we don’t pay attention.   I write an article which I think should be front page material, hey wait a second, does the internet press have a front page?  And I look up and see how swine flu survivors develop super flu antibodies. 

So one more article is filed and I move on in search of the next potential blockbuster, story that is, not pharmaceutical.  Let’s see, the autism study was defective, so now not only does the definition of the word contain a defective adjective (or is that the adjective defective) but the study linking autism to vaccines is defective too.  Well we will have to wait for the study to study the study come out before passing judgment on that. 

Next up, it has been found that people who spend at least four hours per day watching TV, playing video games, or using a computer for fun were more than twice as likely as those who kept their recreational "screen time" under two hours to experience a heart attack, stroke, or other serious cardiovascular problem. Couch potatoes were also about 50 percent more likely to die of any cause during the four-year study.  Sorry, I have to take a break now and go out and walk the dog…

I’m back, and I tell you what… When it is -5ºC outside, with a brisk wind blowing, and the ground is covered in snow and ice…, the dog loves it.  We didn’t pass a single neighbor today.  Funny, I wonder if they have all left for Florida? 

The dog knew where she wanted to go and she set the pace.  Kind of like the wife in a mall, only stops to sniff something she likes.  We reached the fields where she knows I’ll let her off the lease, about a mile or two out and with her running free I no longer had to keep up.  Oh, I probably could if I wanted to, but I let her do some sniffing and eating on her own and I found my way into a copse of trees where the wind wasn’t quite so biting.

In this sanctuary I took out my phone and began tagging all my contacts to see if there was a story in the making I could get my hands on.  No one seemed to be home.  Most, it seems, were stuck on the beach, or playing golf, in Florida.  I did get through to my agent and after going over a chapter I had recently sent over she told me, in no uncertain terms, that I needed help with my grammar and punctuation.  Her exact words were, more or less, like this:

“How many f’in times do I have to tell you to get this S. H. I., if I have to spell the rest it only solidifies my position, to an editor… First.”

“Anything else?” I had to ask as I wondered how solid her spelt position was.

“Yes, where the H. E. double L is all this body hair coming from, are you shedding as you write?

“What color is it?” Once again, I had to ask.

 She didn’t answer that but did pass along a phone number for me to call, “I cannot pass this K. R. A. P.  on to a publisher.”

What the H. E. double L. can I say, she’s Germanic and from where she comes from Krupp. Krup, Crup and crap are basically the same.

Speaking of Krap, the dog had pretty much finished what could only, out in the wild, be termed a smorgasbord.  She was very happy, and moving a bit slower so we trudged on home with the wind, thankfully, pushing us from behind.  I did rub her back with my gloved hand to try to get an idea of the source of literary hair, and then when I got a good count I brushed hers off and ran the same glove up and over my scalp.  Hard to say who the winner was on that one.

When we got close to home the dog was in no hurry to go inside and again the neighborhood was quiet.  So when she sat down for a few minutes enjoying the feeling of fresh snow on her skin in the neighbors yard I thought back to my experience in the sauna in Kuopio Finland…

A few days later I took the plunge and with great verisimilitude I gave a call to Mr. Language.  An interesting conversation ensued and I found that if I bought the entire set of disks which contained enough information to make the Encyclopedia Britannica blush, for a mere $19.95 down and $19.95 a month for 19.95 months the whole series would be mine.  And, at no extra charge, I would learn to grasp the subtle difference between the words your and you’re.  Top scientists in the field (here we go, a story the Lay Press can sink their proverbial teeth into) are often confused by these two words, which are technically known as bivalves.  You’re being the contraction, used during childbirth and whale watching; "you're baby looks like...".  'Your' though is different, 'your' is, grammatically, a prosthetic infarction.  This word is often used to help describe someone, from afar, as in:  Your a looser.  

Of course I have to thank Dave Barry for that last bit on grammar, punctuation, and body hair.

Happy New Year.

“Don’t worry,” says Jim Gaffigan, “there is a bunny.”

Saverio Monachino's writing style has been termed by some as 'Kurt Vonnegut meets Mark Twain'.  Saverio describes it as 'comic fiction noir'. Regardless of the terms used, he is attempting is to use humor to open the door to serious discussion.  You can find Saverio Monachino on www.comicfictionnoir.com.

To Leak or Not to Wikileak, that is the question.

What is a little leak amongst friends?

Just the other day I took a little leak, and with a weak bladder that is a weaki-leak, right?  So what, you ask, ya gotta go, ya gotta go. And that basically was my take on things as well.  I had to go, so I went.  I didn’t try for a secret release, but then again I wasn’t trying to go public either.  Needless to say I was caught by a very smart assed little guy who ran to the owner of the house and well…, he leaked too.  My neighbor didn’t like the news.

“What in the name of everything right are you doin’ on my grass,” he slurred.

“What the hell are you upset about,” I responded, trying to make him see that my mistake landed just to the left of his property, “This is my yard, and in the name of everything usual, my dog pisses on your lawn all the time.  Why don’t you get mad at her?”

“And she craps on it too…” he added as he took out a dog biscuit and fed my dog.

Well this started a heated debate about the balance of nature.  Like when my dog leaves a small excrement of her own in someone’s yard, but eats well over half her body weight in deer poop which way is the ecological balance shifting?   Now don’t get me started on the problem of natures natural wrecking machines.  You know what I’m talking about, no matter what I plant the deer eat it, and then leave fertilizer for next year’s crop.  And now we can talk about the overpopulation problem too.  As in; there are too many deer in our neighborhood.  I mean how in the world can there be more deer in New Jersey now than when the state was first populated by Europeans?  It must have something to do with that damn state sponsored low income housing mandate.  But I wont get into that discussion right now, it’s too political. 

Anyway, just like that, the argument with my neighbor moved off of my own problem with leaking things out of my hidden vault before I could even get my fly up and onto other things that had been in all of the headlines, if anyone actually read those anymore.  In this state of current events discussion it is always advantageous to argue with a neighbor after they’ve had their aperitif(s), and my neighbor definitely had all of his.

You know the first thing that was on his mind, besides my watering his flowers (which I wasn’t, it landed on my property and later I will take my damn surveyor’s map over to his house and if he doesn’t give me some of whatever he was drinking I’ll shove the whole thing…, oh, where was I.  Yes, I remember, it was that bit about GOOGLE sending all their assets off sore to avoid taxes. Well, that neighbor of mine he starts telling me about how his investment in Google had done very well to date, in fact he may soon be moving to a house at the top of the hill, and then he lets me know that Google is doing the right thing, avoiding those stupid corporate taxes and growing their business and all I can do is try to calculate how many US companies have parked their money off shore, and then add in the number of rich people who do the same and after using some fractal geometry (kudos to Benoit Mandelbrot, he was a pioneer), I am able to recalculate the oft misinterpreted dept relationship to the GDP as it should be if those very large companies actually paid taxes. 

My neighbor wasn’t interested in lowering his taxes for some reason.  I think it is because he is trying to get his app (app is short for application, like if you are making a request for money, or approbate, if you like something, or aperitif if it is late in the afternoon) bought by Google or some other such conglomerate.

Anyway, as the dog sat in his yard looking for sticks and deer poop without having to move anymore (a full stomach will do that to a dog) the conversation/argument turned to other news, like how both the Democrats and the Republicans are already claiming victory in the latest round of elections.  Of course the elections are still over a week away so perhaps these are prognostications instead of claims?  Or, as the Druids might say, “we prophesized that one, eh?”  So does this mean that our elected officials are Druids?  Do Druids float?  We can always try that ‘witches’ trial thing from Monty Python on them now, can’t we.  On the elected officials, not the Druids, and see if they…, Sorry I digressed again. 

Another hot topic of the day was about the little Wiki guy who likes to take leaks, or is that he likes to take your leaks for you.  And on this topic my neighbor gave me an earful again for leaking on his grass because in English it is so hard to grasp the correct connotation of words with multiple uses.  And me, I just wanted to catch the little tweeter who gave me away, I’ll, I’ll take my next one a little closer to his home. 

Anyway this Wiki guy gets on TV for taking a leak and then some of those who, like my neighbor don’t like this type of activity, start to harangue, oh, the shame, the shame.  Leave him alone because he, like me, has an active bladder.

Now apparently WikiLeaks was established way, way back in 2006 by a guy named Julian Assange, "a male with a near genius IQ" say some.  According to a major newspaper that seems to have a penchant for listing a bit to one side of the political view and reports its news that way as well, this male Assange redefined "whistle-blowing” as he gathered up all the whistles in the neighborhood and then published his own map which details how to find a whistle.  In doing this he gathered up everyone’s stuff, hid them beyond the reach of parents and others determined to retrieve them, then releases the map instantly, and globally, to watch the return on his investment pour in (read: advertisement and ‘charitable’ donations).

Now, now, Mr. Genius IQ, do you know “War is Hell” (I wish I had made that one up).  That phrase unfortunately is very, very true.  And if this male near genius IQ had paid attention in school he would have learned this.  If he cared about the information he is disseminating it might serve him well to actually read his history books.  War is hell, always has been, and it has been going on for quite a while.  Does Mr. Assange know that recent problems in the Middle East aren’t really recent, and to put a time frame into play well, the dawn of recorded history would be needed?  Can he please leak that information?  But, if one takes a more focused view of turbulent times then the time frame in question encompasses the dissolution of the Ottoman Empire after WWI.  But he must have known this, everyone does.  And in the same manner, if one reads a report on battlefield casualties, well, everyone knows that you have to add a multiplier or two because, well here we go again; War is Hell.

If Mr. Assange wanted to do something really New and really Different then he would steal the whistles from all sides conducting the argument du jour.  If a man likes to leak as much as Mr. Assange says he does, then let us see him leak that tidy bit of Balanced reporting.  Oh, there is an article or two from his latest stolen pile which tells that yes, the other side is causing some problems as well, but lets face it, he really is just leaking on one side of the situation without putting the geopolitics into perspective.  Can Mr. Assange tap into the data bases of, say…, Iran, or China, or heck maybe one or more of those countries in South Asia that likes to leak on their neighbors as they stool on their populace?  Wouldn’t that be a real nice thing?  After all WikiLeaks is a not-for-profit media organization with a goal of bringing important news and information to the public.  Now, if they only leak on one side of the story what makes them different from an organization with a particular political twist?  Let us see if the near genius IQ guy has male cajones and gets info from ALL sources.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  And different?  Yes it would be different, one might even say unique, and very interesting, and one would probably have to be a genius to do that.  Now, if he spent his time trying to figure a way to bring education to the suppressed masses in these countries, well that would be nice too, and genius.

 Wiki-leakies tell everyone that they provide an innovative, secure and anonymous way for sources to leak information to the company journalists.  But why have we not heard of any news that one skilled in art (read: able to discern information from input data without needing a tell all book) didn’t already know, like from other sides of the conflicts that aren’t occidental in origin?  Or better yet, an explanation of the last season of LOST.  Did they die in the crash in season one, or die after the bomb goes off at the end of season five?   

But again, I digress, the blame really is on the intelligence communities who have no trouble finding where the male Assange lives, but still cannot find that bin Laden guy.

“Don’t worry,” says Jim Gaffigan, “there is a bunny.”

Saverio Monachino's writing style has been termed by some as 'Kurt Vonnegut meets Mark Twain'.  Saverio describes it as 'comic fiction noir'. Regardless of the terms used, his attempt is to use humor to open the door to serious discussion about very important human issues.  You can find Saverio Monachino on www.comicfictionnoir.com.

Saverio buried a bunch of key words in this particular blog like the title of his book; By Any Means.  He also threw in a bunch of other key words like thriller, murder, mystery, traumatic brain injury, comic, Canada, detective, author, artist, philosophical, writer, intrigue, fiction books, human condition, see if you can find them.  If you can’t don’t worry, in today’s age of ‘linking’, no document is complete until you follow the links.  Try it.

How’s the weather?

How's the weather?  That seems like and easy question, right?  A good way to start a conversation or exchange pleasantries with someone you don't know as you pass them on the street, “Hey, how’s the weather?”  Very simple, very neat, very efficient.

And usually simple responses will fill the air, mostly aimed at avoiding further conversation.

“Nice.”  Or,

“It sure is warm today.”  Or,

“Wet, real wet.”

Some people aren’t really sure and let you know, “Humid, I think.”

Others are darn sure, “Shitty.”

Some like to hedge their bets, "Not to bad,” or

“Not to good.”

Then there are some in another dimension, “Tomorrow, tomorrow, it'll be sunny tomorrow, it's only a day away.”

You also invariably come across the person who cannot answer a question without asking one, “Today?” And this throws a little confusion into the mix, so you counter the returned question with, “What do you mean Today? How can the weather be today?”

“That’s what I asked you.  Do you want to know how the weather is today?”
And this of course was not the time trap discussion you wanted when asking the simple question in passing.  So your tone gets a little less polite, “Well hell yeah that’s what I mean!”

Which causes what appears to be a non sequitur to emerge from the other end of the conversation, “Kiss my ass.”

And the list can go on and on.  But if one stops for a moment and gives it some thought, the question 'How is the weather', also, in a microcosm, exemplifies that which leads to so much trouble.  That is; differences in opinion.  Again, passing someone on the street, or beginning a conversation on the phone will get you the quick, defined response.  But as Gandlalf says (paraphrased); "What exactly does ‘Good Morning’ mean?  Is it a morning in which the weather is fine, or a morning in which you have been good?"  And if the rhetoric depends on the tone of voice, try it in Chinese.

So, is the weather condition a matter of opinion too, or just the meteorological readouts?  As in, if the sun is shining bright is it a good day for a tanning session?  Now that does depend on several variables, like climate, one’s opinion, and the human condition itself.  For example, if asked, ‘How is the weather’, on a bright sun-filled day one needs to quickly add in the temperature, barometric pressure, geographic location and the mental condition of both parties as one can see in the following scenario. 

In this example two friends are enjoying standing outside in the sunshine when the one leaning left turns to the other and says, “I think I will try for an all over tan…”

“You mean?” His friend, who is slightly more to the right, asks.

“That's right, I’ll just strip right down to my undies and…,” After all, what can one say if they don’t have a bathing suit handy? 

“You have no suit!” the right leaner slurs at his friend, finally finishing his statement from the precdeing line.

“I’m using the next best thing, right,” the lefy spats over at the man to his right who was still leaning in that direction.

The one incredulous on the whole topic of stripping down to underwear has to ask, “Here?”

“Why not?”

“Well, I guess my concern is, well,” before finishing he has to slurped a bit of drool back into his mouth and then remember what he wanted to say, “it has to do with all the people.” 

“I’m an exhibitionist, what can I say.”  Truth be told, he wasn’t really an exhibitionist unless he had a bit too much to drink, which he had.

“And the traffic…”

“Oh yeah, there are a lot of cars, I see your point, it might be dangerous, someone zooming by and getting distracted by my dangling participle thing…”

The less inebriated of the two continues trying to dissuade his buddy as first one piece of clothing, then another, hits the ground, “Perhaps it would be better to go to a beach or something like that?”

Then, like a bolt of lighting on a clear sunny day like it was, the half naked man begins to rethink his situation, “You know what, I think I’ll wait for the weather to warm up a bit.  Do you mind picking up my coat?  It is cold as shit out here and I really must put it back on."  Then, remembering one more thing he continuces, "Do you have any more beer?”

 Sunbathing itself depends upon the degree of sunshine, the external temperature, the LOCATION (usually) and then the individual involved.  How many of the older crowd needs to pay homage to the sun on a routine basis?  Live in a warmer climate, sure, but cover up with layer after layer of sun block and then sit in it for hours at at time like teenagers…, well maybe a lot of them do.  So the question then becomes is it better to bathe in the sun in the South of France or some shore point in New Jersey. 

And this brings one to an even more philosophical type question, “What do you like to look at?”

“Don’t worry,” says Jim Gaffigan, “there is a bunny.”

Saverio Monachino's writing style has been termed by some as 'Kurt Vonnegut meets Mark Twain'.  Saverio describes it as 'comic fiction noir'. Regardless of the terms used, his attempt is to use humor to open the door to serious discussion about very important human issues.  You can find Saverio Monachino on www.comicfictionnoir.com.

Saverio buried a bunch of key words in this particular blog like the title of his book; By Any Means.  He also threw in many other key words like thriller, murder, mystery, traumatic brain injury, comic, Canada, detective, author, artist, philosophical, writer, intrigue, fiction books, and human condition.  See how many of them you can find them.  If you can’t find them all, don’t worry, in today’s age of ‘linking’, no document is complete until you follow the thread.  Try it.